Tuesday, 20 September 2011

For The First Time

For the first time today, i felt a different and overpowering an emotion . Anger. It’s not the first time i have felt angry, believe me there have been times, when i have thought that I’m going to tear some people's heads off. But today, i felt this strange anger towards him. Realizing that he uses me, uses the fact that I’m like puppet in his hands, uses the fact that I’m hopelessly in love with him for his advantage would normally bring pain, it would make me cry for hours, make me brood, make me want to sit staring at my study books, tears streaming down. But today, somehow it brought out anger in me. It was almost as i was relieved to know, that i was capable of feeling something other than love for him all the time. It’s like just the thought of him taking me as weak and helpless instead of kind and helpful for all i do for him, it struck some chord in me which i had forgotten about. So much was the affect, so much was the pain and anger, that for the first time i was mean to him, for the first time, i almost risked having a fight with him, It almost didn’t matter what he thought of me anymore, it’s like something in me broke and all i wanted was him to realize that I’m more than just some stepping stone. And i would like to think, after the conversation i had with him after my outbreak, that i am a bit more than that. i would like to hope that he meant it when he said that I’m a friend to him, wish that he meant it when he said that he wasn’t using me. And what other choice do i have but to believe him? It’s not in me, to not. He never said sorry, but my anger still vanished, he is the only person who can get away without a sorry, he got away this time, and this was not the first time that he did

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