Thursday, 26 January 2012


This pull, is it a physical pull or an emotional pull? It’s pulling me towards Him. I try to turn, twist, break through it, but it just doesn’t let me go. Trust, Faith and Self Respect, they glare at me, they are the ones pulling me from one end, they don’t want to lose, they want to keep me away from Him. They don’t want love to win. Love?  What if I fall apart? I’m not made of metal, fragile, that’s me. This struggle, this fight, why? There is an easier way out someone whispers in my ear. Slowly I close my eyes. A long winding tunnel, it seemed to be beckoning me to enter. I can see it, I can reach it. Someone shouts, it sounds like my Subconscious mind. I can hear it, but its fading as I give into the silence, it’s so far from the struggle. Where will this lead me? Death, my Subconscious mind echoes. Embracing death, that’s what I’m doing. Is that the only choice? I’ll open my eyes and I’ll be engaged in the war again, I wish I could see Him. He would tell me what to do, he’d walk me home. Home? Where is that? I don’t belong anymore. But I know I’d still follow him. I’d even follow to Hell. Hell, maybe that’s where I’ll go. But my life right now is worse than even the darkest corner of Hell. Why is there no light? Is it because He isn’t here? I need Him. This struggle, this fight, it’s too much for me.  Is he watching from somewhere? Maybe he likes to watch me break down. Pain. I will smile, it will make him wonder, maybe he will come to check, check why I am not suffering. Will he come? I can’t breathe…maybe I have reached the tunnel. Finally.  Shouldn’t the pain leave now? New feeling. No feeling. Numb. Now I suddenly prefer the pain. At least it felt like something. Happiness. What is that? It’s a distant memory, too far. All I remember are tears. I see faces, they come to me, and they talk to me. But they are unknown. They aren’t Him. Where is He? Maybe this is Love…is it? No, this is more. Where is he? I can feel myself slipping away. Self-respect is still fighting, but I can feel it grow weak.  It stops. I can hear the silence suddenly. I’m not being pulled anymore, where am I? I feel lost. Will he come find me? I want him too.  Maybe then I’ll feel something. Anything. Faith and Trust are hurt, they want me to believe. Believe? He hasn’t come yet. Where is he? Burning. Ah, at last. The fire ignites my body filling me with power, it feels good. Someone screams. It’s Self-respect. It doesn’t like the warmth, it hurts it. Why? It’s the warmth of love. I can see him. He came, for me? Or for himself? But he came. That’s all that matters. I am smiling, it feels so different, and I’m not used to it. He is close to me now. Love has won. I can hear it laugh, Love knew it would win. He is close, so close. I take in every detail, the sparkling eyes, the tantalizing smile, the stride… I save the images in my mind. He passes me, did he even see me? He’s gone already. Why did he go? But it doesn’t matter, he came, I saw him. I am home.

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