Goodbye

At some point comes a realisation that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step that can be taken is to stop. Leave, to walk away. Its not called giving up, and its not trying to show to the world that you should quit when things don't go your way. Its just realising when to draw a line between determination and desperation. Giving up, doesn't mean you are weak, it means you are strong enough to let go, and the minute you let go is when you realize that what truly is yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try will never be.  Sometimes you have to try to not care no matter how much you really do, because someone might mean everything to you, but you might mean nothing to them. This shouldn't be perceived as pride, its basic self respect .Its hard spending your whole life waiting for something that you  know will never happen, but its when you  try to give up on that flicker of hope that you somehow always seem to hold on to,that you  realize that its harder,since that something is everything you want.
And that's why its so hard for me, to stop myself from liking you,this feeling is part of me now, but sometimes the  hardest things and the right things in life, turn out to be the same. At times, I just close my eyes, and pretend that its alright, but its never enough, I have to learn to except the fact that you can't be mine, have to accept that the ending we want, is not always the ending we get. Its what you have always wanted, its the only thing that i know you truly wants from me, to stop liking you, but until now i was not strong enough to do it. Its really tough, but its not a sacrifice, it my last effort to save things, to save myself, and most importantly to save our friendship, which i now value more than my life.
 I want you to know, that this is my goodbye gift to you and that whatever there was, has ended, whatever remains, will end, This is how our story ends,as friends and that this is how i want you to remember me.

I am sorry

I am sorry for not being able to choose my happiness over yours. I'm sorry that every time i close my eyes i see you. i smile every time i think of you, and there is always a catch in my throat when i think of your laughter, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the million times that I have cried just because i miss you and I’m sorry about all the dreams where you appear as my savior on a white horse. I’m sorry for believing in dreams, believing that they ever come true. I’m sorry about how my heart begins to race when i see you walk towards me, sorry that i can never look you in the eye when we talk, it makes me nervous. I’m sorry for praying for you every morning and sorry that i imagine us for every song. I’m sorry that i search a crowded room for your face, and sorry that when i finally find you, it seems that nothing can ever go wrong in the world. I’m sorry that i give into your every wish, sorry, but i just don’t have it in me to be able to say no to you. I’m sorry for wishing that it’s you every time my phone rings. Sorry for letting you live in my subconscious mind. Sorry, that you’re the only one whose got enough of me to break my heart. i am sorry, for not knowing how to stop, sorry that i don’t know how to leave, just walk away. I’m sorry for hoping that someday you’ll turn around and try to find me, I’m sorry, because i know I’ll be right there waiting. I’m sorry but i love you, and there is nothing that you or i can do about it.

A walk down the streets

Walk, not to reach a place,
Walk, just to get away,
Walking fast, head held low,
Walking away from all the pain.

When life treats you wrong,
When nothing goes the way you've planned,
When the whole world seems to be against you,
Leave the promises behind, walk away from the lies.

You can stand and fight,
Bare the misconceptions, face the wrath,
Or you can merge into the crowd,
Invinisble as you walk with the wind in your hair.

The streets are free of rigid minds,
Its the only road free of sacrifice,
No love exists, no compromise,
Walk, cause you've got to live for yourself, once in a while.

Walk faster and faster till no one can catch you,
Run faster and faster till you cross all boundaries,
No ropes, no ties, nothing to hold you back,
Just close your eyes and walk yourself to Freedom.

Questions

This pull, is it a physical pull or an emotional pull? It’s pulling me towards Him. I try to turn, twist, break through it, but it just doesn’t let me go. Trust, Faith and Self Respect, they glare at me, they are the ones pulling me from one end, they don’t want to lose, they want to keep me away from Him. They don’t want love to win. Love?  What if I fall apart? I’m not made of metal, fragile, that’s me. This struggle, this fight, why? There is an easier way out someone whispers in my ear. Slowly I close my eyes. A long winding tunnel, it seemed to be beckoning me to enter. I can see it, I can reach it. Someone shouts, it sounds like my Subconscious mind. I can hear it, but its fading as I give into the silence, it’s so far from the struggle. Where will this lead me? Death, my Subconscious mind echoes. Embracing death, that’s what I’m doing. Is that the only choice? I’ll open my eyes and I’ll be engaged in the war again, I wish I could see Him. He would tell me what to do, he’d walk me home. Home? Where is that? I don’t belong anymore. But I know I’d still follow him. I’d even follow to Hell. Hell, maybe that’s where I’ll go. But my life right now is worse than even the darkest corner of Hell. Why is there no light? Is it because He isn’t here? I need Him. This struggle, this fight, it’s too much for me.  Is he watching from somewhere? Maybe he likes to watch me break down. Pain. I will smile, it will make him wonder, maybe he will come to check, check why I am not suffering. Will he come? I can’t breathe…maybe I have reached the tunnel. Finally.  Shouldn’t the pain leave now? New feeling. No feeling. Numb. Now I suddenly prefer the pain. At least it felt like something. Happiness. What is that? It’s a distant memory, too far. All I remember are tears. I see faces, they come to me, and they talk to me. But they are unknown. They aren’t Him. Where is He? Maybe this is Love…is it? No, this is more. Where is he? I can feel myself slipping away. Self-respect is still fighting, but I can feel it grow weak.  It stops. I can hear the silence suddenly. I’m not being pulled anymore, where am I? I feel lost. Will he come find me? I want him too.  Maybe then I’ll feel something. Anything. Faith and Trust are hurt, they want me to believe. Believe? He hasn’t come yet. Where is he? Burning. Ah, at last. The fire ignites my body filling me with power, it feels good. Someone screams. It’s Self-respect. It doesn’t like the warmth, it hurts it. Why? It’s the warmth of love. I can see him. He came, for me? Or for himself? But he came. That’s all that matters. I am smiling, it feels so different, and I’m not used to it. He is close to me now. Love has won. I can hear it laugh, Love knew it would win. He is close, so close. I take in every detail, the sparkling eyes, the tantalizing smile, the stride… I save the images in my mind. He passes me, did he even see me? He’s gone already. Why did he go? But it doesn’t matter, he came, I saw him. I am home.

Need to get to you

Undisputed, undecided,
Moving cause i have too,
Someone just called my name, but i dont hear,
Need to get away from the crowd, need to get to you

Hands like jaws, holding me back,
Telling me that i have fucking lost my mind,
They won’t get it; no one will understand why I’m running,
Tears blind me but it isn’t stopping me, i need to get to you

Why is it all so dark, where is the light gone?
Covered in misery, hiding from the truth and the reality,
Time warned me that it won't wait; i know i could lose you any minute,
Feels like my life is on a standstill, and i need to get to you somehow

Captured, tormented and beaten down,
My poor soul is entombed; can you come and let it out?
Why won’t they just let me go, standing on my way like stones and rocks
Can't they see the desperation in my eyes? I got to see you, see that its alright

Drunk in fury, i can’t think straight
Wish i could pray, and free you of all the pain,wish i could make it all mine,
The insanity the frustration that you threw at me ,all turn to determination,
Because you’re so close to me now, that all i got to do is close my eyes, and there you are.

For The First Time

For the first time today, i felt a different and overpowering an emotion . Anger. It’s not the first time i have felt angry, believe me there have been times, when i have thought that I’m going to tear some people's heads off. But today, i felt this strange anger towards him. Realizing that he uses me, uses the fact that I’m like puppet in his hands, uses the fact that I’m hopelessly in love with him for his advantage would normally bring pain, it would make me cry for hours, make me brood, make me want to sit staring at my study books, tears streaming down. But today, somehow it brought out anger in me. It was almost as i was relieved to know, that i was capable of feeling something other than love for him all the time. It’s like just the thought of him taking me as weak and helpless instead of kind and helpful for all i do for him, it struck some chord in me which i had forgotten about. So much was the affect, so much was the pain and anger, that for the first time i was mean to him, for the first time, i almost risked having a fight with him, It almost didn’t matter what he thought of me anymore, it’s like something in me broke and all i wanted was him to realize that I’m more than just some stepping stone. And i would like to think, after the conversation i had with him after my outbreak, that i am a bit more than that. i would like to hope that he meant it when he said that I’m a friend to him, wish that he meant it when he said that he wasn’t using me. And what other choice do i have but to believe him? It’s not in me, to not. He never said sorry, but my anger still vanished, he is the only person who can get away without a sorry, he got away this time, and this was not the first time that he did

I wish...

We all wish our lives where a bit different them they actually are, it’s normal, we are humans, we are born with the instinct to never be happy. I too wish my life was different...
I wish i could stop giving a fuck about people who have hurt me, stop caring about them, and just act like they dont exist. If the people who i have been best friends with, for the last 8 years suddenly decide, that I mean nothing to them, it’s should be cool right? Their loss, i have new friends, but then why does it hurt so much? Why do i still keep thinking about the way they screwed my life??
And then ofcous i wish i had never met him. Oh god, how much simpler my life would have been, now that he is in my life, i just can’t let him go, i know i have to someday.... but the thing is the someday is too close now. This is my last year with him. Last year, the finality of the tone, scares me to bits. What if i can’t get over him? What if even when i am not with him, i still continue to love him...then? What a screwed up life ill lead. It’s not like I’ve never felt something for anyone but him, i have. But it’s like he is in my subconscious thought, even unintentionally, I’m thinking about him. Before everything i do, what will he think? That’s all that i can think about.
And i finally I wish, that tomorrow would not be the 17th of September, cause tomorrow it will be 2 years and 3 months of liking him. Yeah I have a great life.